Things You Need To Stop Doing (Like, Right Now)

In case the title put you in an an incredibly hostile attitude toward this article, let me begin by saying that I am not just launching into a tirade about things that annoy me that other people do. I'm launching into a tirade about things that make no sense that other people do. Don't worry, the whole switch from "And also with you" to "And with your spirit" thing isn't on here because I don't want to be excommunicated from the Catholic church unless it's for something really good.

Like stealing the Popemobile.

No, these are just things that people do that they are, for some reason, not ashamed of or attempting to conceal from the public, like nose-picking or enjoying the Twilight books. These are things that people are inexplicably smug and/or vocal about:

4. Lambasting Networks For Cancelling TV Shows

This is a rather specific irritation of mine, but it's a problem I have because I am guilty of it all the time. Two of the greatest shows of all time were cut down in their prime because of FOX network, which is unmistakably the Devil. Firefly, the glorious product of a passionate liaison between Joss Whedon and a parallel universe featuring Cowboy Han Solo, was cancelled after only one season, instead of the planned seven.

And at his age, Cowboy Han Solo still isn't as awesome as Malcolm Reynolds.

The magnificently filthy, dysfunctional show Arrested Development was aborted after a scant two and a half seasons. Let the stone-throwing begin! Let's start with how Fox news totally screwed over Firefly by showing episodes out of order and not advertising it correctly. And how it ruined AD by changing the time slot and squishing the last few episodes together.

Except...

The people at FOX aren't trying to hurt us.

Well, not all of them

TV networks just want to make money. They're going to keep on shows that have high viewership and drop the ones that are expensive to make and that are not bringing in enough revenue. Firefly had some obstacles in front of it, but come on, this is a project from frickin' Joss Whedon, who poops better ideas than I've ever had. He had a strong fan base from Buffy and Angel and that should have been enough to kick-start the phenomenon.

We could have voted for Firefly to stay on as it was being aired. But we, as a country, voted with our viewership.

"I'd say this is easier than political voting, but honestly it's about the same."

So with our viewership, we collectively voted for the Sarah Palins of TV--that is, the flashy, moronic ones that feed our love for scandal and people saying idiotic things. Also, murder and public humiliation, respectively.

In 2002, the season Firefly died, it ranked 125th in the country with just over 4 million views. The top-ranked show at the time was CSI with over 26 million. And that's a show that is trying to make science look dangerous and exciting while still focusing on a doughy and possibly Asperger-y William Peterson looking constipated for 45 minutes.

"Do I do a one-liner and take off my sunglasses now? Is this the right show?'

Arrested Development was even worse off. It went under in 2006, when the number one show was American Idol with 36.38 million viewers. AD had 3.3. (Million, but still.) The funniest show on television, that trusted it's audience to following a plot line with inside jokes, that defied traditional narratives, and we didn't want it. Audiences found the characters unsympathetic and the inside jokes alienating.

I can't imagine why.

Fortunately, both shows had a huge revival due to DVD sales, and both projects got movie deals out of the whole thing. Why? Because television producers like money. It's not a secret. We shouldn't be blaming them for taking these shows off the air. It was our fault, not theirs. Just because we pulled our heads out our collective asses and finally appreciated these gems doesn't give us the right to feel superior to those douchebag executives.

And if you're just waiting to insist that you were one of those select few who was totally on board with those shows from the very beginning, that leads me to my next point...


3. Saying "I was there/thought of that/liked it first!"

This is the age of the internet, where posting "First!" in the comments section is loathed by everyone but the person who posted it.

Sort of like Facebook statuses about people's kids

The competitive need to have done something first is an understandably human drive, but why are we, as grown adults, so proud of it? Because the thing is, it isn't attractive behavior. Let's say you're having a conversation with a bunch of people, and someone says something like, a second before you were going to say it. Do you say "Oh my God, I was literally just thinking that!" or "Dude, I said the same thing in my head, only better."

What you want is for people to understand that you were quick and clever. And maybe you were. But there's no way to prove it. You might as well have claimed that Die Hard was your idea first. It doesn't matter, because you have no proof to support your argument.

No, don't show us the napkin. We believe you.

The problem with this behavior is that it's gateway douchebaggery. It leads you from the soft stuff that is just little dickish behavior ("I liked Arrested Development before FOX shut it down!") to the really hard, hipster fuckrake behavior ("I liked Arrested Development before any of you liked it. Now it is so overplayed, and I don't think anyone really understands the Oedipal themes anyway.")

So don't be that person. Because in your incredibly unnecessary, aggressive tirade about how you so totally read Harry Potter the second it came out before anyone recommended it to you, you think that you're this:

"First to the top of Everest, bitches!"

But you're actually this:

"Dude, Native Americans whatever, I was totally here first. Tell your kids."

2. Bragging About Not Being Cold

Quick survey: how often do you hear people boasting about how tall they are? How awesome their eyes are? How thin or thick their hair is? Okay, I'm sure there are some people out there that are vibrantly aware that they have great genes and are just really pleased about it, and want to let you know.

We get it. Stop rubbing it in.

Okay, but those are people who are just fascinated with themselves and marveling at the lucky hand they were dealt. How many of those people are boasting about their height because they think that being tall means that they tried harder than short people, or that it was a personal accomplishment that they managed to grow a whole lot?

People on acid do not count.

I personally have never witnessed this behavior. You know what I have noticed, though? A lot of people are awfully pleased with their ability to withstand the cold. Like, really pleased.

The next time you are walking outside with someone (and somehow it's always someone from the Midwest,) and you mention that you are cold, you have just made the other person's day. You will immediately be regaled with how where they come from "This is shorts and T-shirt weather," how they once ran through eight feet of snow in subzero temps in a bikini (guy or girl) and how they love the cold so much because it has no effect on them at all (other than arousal, apparently.)

"WINTER IS COMING AND SO AM I!"

This behavior isn't irritating just because it's sheer one-upmanship in the face of a casual statement or complaint (although that is really fucking irritating.) What's so irritating is that this is not something that the person has any control over; nor do they have the right to brag because of it. Note that they are not saying, "Why yes, it is cold, but I am enduring the cold and overcoming my pain, for I am man and I shall not show weakness by allowing my teeth to chatter." I could deal with that. I could go bear fighting with a person like that.

No, what that person is saying is, "This does not feel cold to me." If I put my cold, frozen hands on your bare skin and you say "Holy shitballs, why would you do a horrible thing like that??" it is because you now understand what it is like to be me. I was not being whiny. You were not being brave. You were just not perceiving the cold.

The fifth of Jack Daniels probably helped.

1. Being really offended by some accents (but not others.)

This is a tricky one to nail down, and an especially hard one to address as a white writer with a fairly bland northwestern accent (I'm not sure how it's different from standard American dialect. We say "beg" instead of "bag" apparently.)

And "Hi!" instead of "Fuck you!", which is what differentiates us from New Yorkers.

However, I recently noticed something. There's a small, confusing subset of racism that we, as Americans, are still a little unsure about, and that is the realm of accents. And we're just not sure what's offensive. I've figured out that for the most part, it's cool to mock and mimic Russian, Scottish, Irish, French and German accents. I have never seen anyone get upset over someone going "Is Russian. Is funny. I like." It's mocking the way Russians speak English, but it isn't a problem.

Violence is often implied.

 Okay, so you've got a really good drunken/violent Russian bit going. Then you switch to an Asian accent, or a Spanish accent. Let's say you launch into "Oh, tank you vedy much. You want flied lice with that?" Suddenly the room is awkward. Maybe a few people find it funny. Some people are pissed. And a few people are looking around anxiously. Is Engrish funny? Is it offensive? It seems offensive. You're pigeon-holing a whole culture and mocking the way they speak. This is just from the accent, too. It's not like you're making jokes about stereotypical behavior, food or appearances.

You're not doing this, is what I'm saying.

So what makes the "Engrish" accent offensive but the Russian accent not? Is it because Russians tend to be white and also not horribly stereotyped in America? Possibly. But if you try a Trinidad accent ("Hey, mon") or an Indian accent ("Thank you, come again") you're not going to get any flak. Who decided the rules for this, and when did we all accept them?

I'm not saying that any of these are/aren't offensive, since they don't directly affect me. No one is mocking the way that I speak (except when I tried to say "street" and "road" and it ended up "stroad.")

I'm totally over it now.

I'm just saying that it makes absolutely no sense to get upset and offended at one accent over another if the intent in both cases seems to be "Haha, accents are hilarious!" Be offended by all of them, or none of them, but don't get on your high horse without really thinking about it.

Or just go back to your bragging, I guess.