5 Reasons Why (I'm Pretty Sure) Internet Dating Sucks

As someone who is post-college and who works from home, I very rarely have the chance to meet new people. This includes people of the opposite sex whom I may occasionally want to mash faces with. Internet dating has lost quite a bit of the social stigma that always pigeon-holed users as fat, nerdy virgins and lying douchebag assholes.

So I tried it. I signed up for an account on OKCupid since it was free. I talked to a lot of nice people, and even met a few in person. And I can honestly say that we don't need to worry about the old stereotypes concerning internet dating because they are, for the most part, completely untrue.

However, there are a whole bunch of new problems that you should probably be aware of before you enter this mucky new territory...

5. It's the Internet, People. C'mon.

In case you haven't met the internet, most of the people you will interact with there are frightening. It has something to do with distance. If I were walking down the street and overheard someone say that they don't like Star Wars, I would not interrupt their conversation to explain, in detail, how genius it is with archetypes and Harrison Ford. I would not scream at them or call them names.

Mostly because such people deserve no warning.

Were I on an internet forum, however, I probably wouldn't think twice about posting my vociferous opinion, along with several uncouth and anatomically-impossible suggestions for the dipshit that happened to disagree with me. The thing about the internet is that you can be a horrifyingly honest person about your bigotry, hatred, lust, violent tendencies, etc. without reserve because there's such a huge distance between you and the people you're conversing with. You never have to feel bad because you're not looking anyone in the eye.

Unfortunately, the same is true for internet dating. Yes, when you're trying to get matched up you want to know the answers to questions like "Is it important for your sexual partner to lick butter off your toes while wearing a leather collar?" but is that really one of the first things you want answered about a person? People reveal really private information voluntarily because it's easy to just fill out a survey about yourself, addressing no one in particular. It's a lot harder when you meet a date face-to-face for dinner and realize that now they know that you're into S&M and that you've had over 100 sexual partners.

Although apparently that works for some people.

I think internet dating is good in theory, because you're not doing the scatter-shot approach of the bar scene, where everyone is skeazy and gross and just looking for drunken hook-ups. But while society is being really vocal about how internet dating isn't just for the losers anymore, we're all still kind of thinking it. Because, c'mon, it's the internet, where all the chicks are actually dudes and all the dudes are incredibly creepy.

For example: I had someone send me a message on OKCupid that was slightly icky and entirely too suggestive. When I ignored him, he decided the best way to get a response from me was to write another message saying "I'll give you vagina butterfly kisses if you message me back."

I'm assuming this is what he looked like while typing that.

Now, to me, while really fucking gross, that is not the worst thing he could have done. What would have been worse is if he had acted in a gentlemanly manner at first. Had I simply read about his interests and conversed with him a bit, I might have been duped into seeing him in person. I'm assuming that at the end of that date I would have found myself in a surprising cameo on To Catch a Predator.

Not that predator. Think douchier.

4. You're Self-Representing

There are two totally separate downsides to having to represent yourself in a profile, and you never know how you're going to come across to anyone looking at your site. Being unable to talk to a person face to face means that you rely on what they have to say about themselves, leading to one of two problematic groups:

The first group is the hardest to figure out. They shall henceforth be referred to as "The Stans" (regardless of gender) because of the way their brain functions seem to switch off when dealing with members of the opposite sex.

Pictured here.

These are the people that are probably pretty cool but have no idea how to talk about themselves without worrying that they're being self-degrading or self-aggrandizing. It becomes this incredibly awkward little apology on their profiles that mostly consists of, "Um, it's really hard to sum myself up. Just ask me, I guess. I like Crocodile Dundee, I guess, and some people think I'm funny? Maybe you won't."

"Here's a recommendation from my mother. I'll be in the corner."

Because they don't know what to highlight or how to sell themselves, The Stans focus on the totally inane ("I like cheese, lol") or just freak out entirely ("Something private about myself that I'm willing to admit? Well, it's private, okay? Why would I tell you?") The Stans feel that they can't say that they're great at philosophy and rhetoric because they don't want to seem pretentious, so they'll say something like "I'm great at breathing and blinking at the same time" and hope that it's funny.

It's not.

Which leads us to group two. These are the people that are total twat-chisels, but have absolutely no self awareness. They'll post things like "I'm really funny and good at making people laugh. I'm super sarcastic, lol. I know you're not supposed to say you're smarter than other people, but sheeple are stupid, and haven't read Nietzsche, and if they have they don't understand it like I do."

The self-important dickwaddery is one thing, but mostly the problem is that it's showing rather than telling. These are the sort of people who buy T-shirts with clever or sarcastic one-liners on them. They don't realize that by doing so, they are not actually being funny, and that mostly they're making themselves look dumber and lazier in comparison.

This girl, for instance, is completely brain dead. But you knew that already.

The problem with this group is that there's no way to tell if they can back their claims up, so they look clumsy and ridiculously transparent. They think they're just being honest and suave, like so:

I shall never tire of posting pictures of this man.

Tragically, however, they're just caught up in a fantasy of perceived awesome, that comes across like this:

"Ladies."

That's right. Group One are The Stans. Group Two are The Star Wars Kids. At some point, someone looking at your profile is going to picture you as one of those two. Try not thinking about that during a date.


3. Multiple-Choice Matching (Is Weird or Dishonest)

Sites like OKCupid match people based on their answers to multiple choice questions. Some of them are fairly straightforward. I would like to be matched with people that answer "yes" to "Should homosexual couples be allowed to marry?" and "no" to "Do you like to set small puppies on fire?"

The big ones are a better source of fuel, anyway.

But there are some weird-ass questions floating around in there, and some that just don't have a multiple-choice answer that works for you. For instance, one question wanted to know if I was outgoing or introverted. I wanted to write down that I'm a fairly outgoing introvert, but that was not a choice. Then I was asked to choose between ridding the world of all the dumb people or else all the unattractive ones. Unfortunately there was no "WTF" option for that particular question.

Okay, but yeah, fewer dumb people. Totally.

That led to the question of honesty. There were a lot of questions that I hesitated about answering because of the way I felt it would portray me. I untruthfully answered "Yes" to the question "Do you shower everyday?" because hygiene is important, and I don't want to be perceived as a filthy hippy. But let's face it, sometimes you have an Arrested Development and pancake day, and showering just does not happen.

The story of this man's life.

Total honesty leads to some weird reactions. I met a very nice man and I almost didn't talk to him at first because he'd answered "Yes" to the question "Have you ever eaten food out of the garbage?" It turned out that the food had been candy in a sealed package and he had known beforehand when and where it was going to get chucked. Multiple choice did not allow for that sort of elaboration. So I was left with the initial impression that he was one of the following things:

Okay, that last one was adorable, but you understand. This guy was just trying to be honest, and I don't think it was working in his favor. Which leads me to believe that either everyone is lying and therefore rendering the system pointless, or that the people who are being completely truthful are going a little overboard.


2. It's Not Helpful


I like to think of myself as a fairly logical person, who wants certain things out of a relationship. I like to have interactions with people who are intelligent, well-read, funny and into Star Wars. I've always figured that people who fall into those categories are people I will get along with well. Online dating thinks along the same lines: if you can narrow the parameters of your search to shared interests, you'll find someone you'd want to date.

But really, who are you kidding? You go out with people because you're attracted to them. I'm not saying they have to be what you usually think of as typically attractive, but there has to be a spark, and it very rarely has anything to do with the fact that their favorite movie is also Weekend at Bernie's.

"I can just tell that we have so much in common."

If we all went out with people based entirely on shared interests and the fact that they were really nice and funny, there would be no such thing as the "Friend Zone" and cancer would probably be cured or something. At least in a bar, before you even talk to the person you can tell whether or not you find yourself attracted to them. That matters.

The other problem is that knowing someone's likes and dislikes doesn't really tell you what kind of person they are. There are a lot of people who share my beliefs when it comes to religion, social policies, music, movies and literature whom I absolutely loathe. Sometimes it's because they're just too much like me, which causes us to clash, and sometimes it's because our personalities just do not fit well together.

Or they're my evil doppelganger.

At least when you get set up on a date through a friend you can trust that your friend knows the two of you well enough to believe that you'd be a good fit together. There is no such guarantee with internet dating. Your matchmaker is a computer (that has probably never known love, I might add) with a weird idea of compatibility.

"I set up the two of you because of your mutual preferences for light whipping and Atlas Shrugged."

1. Expectations


To be clear before I start this section off, I am not talking about the expectation that you will sleep with someone after a certain number of dates. That is a disgusting, shallow policy that is only rigidly maintained by sitcoms, for reasons that are unknown to me.

Friends: collectively responsible for all the STDs in New York.

First, there's the shallow sort of expectation, which is the expectation that your date will in some way resemble the picture they have posted to represented themselves. I think guys and girls have to deal with very different sorts of ruined perception in this case. The problem with guys' profiles is that they are filled with what single men think are cool: close-ups of tattoos, pictures of them shirtless, climbing trees, wearing hats/sunglasses, fighting bears, etc. This does very little to accurately portray what this man will actually look like.

"This is my best angle."

Guys have to deal with a totally separate problem when it comes to women. Women hate pictures of themselves as a general rule, and so will mostly post pictures of themselves that will be considered flattering. Maybe a high angle shot to slim the face, or the clone stamp tool to remove blemishes, etc. They tend not to be terribly honest photographs. I'm not saying that this is what really matters, but you go into a date expecting a person to look a certain way, and adjusting suddenly can make the whole thing more difficult. Especially when you think you're getting this:

"OMG, I'd just woken up and hadn't even brushed my hair, lol, what a bad pic."

But you actually end up meeting this:

"Buy a girl a drink, sailor?"

Mostly when I talk about expectations, though, I'm referring to premature full disclosure.

Internet dating is different from meeting people at bars, coffee shops or parties in one important way: you have already announced your intentions. You can meet someone through friends or work and spend time with them. If you like them, you make it known and proceed from there. If they make a move and you don't like them, no hard feelings, you're just not looking for a relationship right now, or whatever cliche you feel like offering to soften the blow.

"It's not you, it's me; I hate you."

With internet dating, though, your date already knows that you're looking to get married and procreate with the next creature that isn't completely brain dead and doesn't make you vomit in your mouth. So you're expected to like them and if you don't like them then you're expected to say it. It's like having to break up with someone you don't even know.

So with all of that on your shoulders, I say screw it. Just nut up and ask out that cute girl at the coffee shop. It's actually way less stressful, and there's only like a 5% chance that she's actually a man.